What Was Left Behind

I'm currently back at home for what was suppose to be a wedding, is now the rest of the summer. Baseball games, boat rides, river floating, open bar events... common I couldn't help it. It's strange being back at home because although not much has changed, it hasn't felt the same. I guess when I had left I didn't realize all the doors I would be shutting. I thought maybe they'd remain swinging and even though they kinda are, for some reason I haven't gone through any. My relationships with former lovers has no appeal to me. Certain friends just can't seem to keep my attention like they use to. I've shut out a lot of the, I need to please everyone and do everything and help somebody, and is now just doing what I want.

So I met a boy down there. Well actually I met quite a few.. but this one was different than any I'd ever experienced. It was like I couldn't get rid of him. I would punch him and kick him and run away from him only to run into him. In the past, sure I've had my share of flings and summer romances and some I would say were pretty substantial and left foot prints.. But this one left me with a different perspective. I guess you can even say inspired. It wasn't that we met at the most random place in the world, a bar in Rodando Beach. Then after rejecting him for at least 2 hours and him finally walking away, actually walk right into him 2 days later on a street in downtown San Diego. I wouldn't say it was fate. But it could have been that he bought me a rose and carried me in the street. It could have been that we slow danced in a country bar and that he kissed at the right moment. It could have been that he reminded me that romance still exist. That maybe it isn't over for me just yet.

That maybe I have a lot more love to experience.. and a lot more love to share

Once Upon a Time

All right, I’m finally going to admit it.
I love hard. I hurt bad. And I’ve been numb for the past 6 years of my life.
I fell in love. I jumped in love. I laid in love. I played with love. I know love very well. Love and I were friends and we broke up when I was 17.
Since then, I’ve been doing whatever I had to, to not crawl into a dark corner and cry my soul away.
Since then, my dreams just haven’t been the same. They’re constant. I haven’t slept.
The other week I had a dream that he stood next to me. I didn’t see his face or feel his touch, but I heard his voice. And all he said was “trust me”
I woke up and realized that I’m doing it again.
I’m going back to that place I worked so hard to run away from. That place regular girls dig themselves out of everyday.
I haven’t been able to write anything worth sharing for the past month because all I’ve been doing is thinking about him.
Remembering his touch, his smile, his eyes and the whispers of his words that convinced me the pot was forever
Little things can’t escape my mind. The way he let me be free... but caught me right before I rolled off the couch. Shit like that.
Or sleep. I remember it so well.
People grow up, people grow apart, and people grow out of each other. Move on and experience new and better “something” worth letting go of everything you know... To learn more.
Right?
Every guy I’ve dated since has given that expression when he didn’t think I was there.
Pure Confusion.
How can someone so intelligent be so empty?
“You’re depressed”
‘You’re lazy”
“You’re unmotivated”
“You’re cold”
Guys who have been chasing me for years had finally given up.
New ones search high and low for a connection to only find an anonymous smile.
I’ll be your best friend. Your comedian. Your chef. Your maid. Your therapist.
I’ll give you my ideas, my time, my ears, my shirt, my body,
But you don’t get me.
Until now.
Because for the first time since, I’m being honest... From the heart
and that's how it's going to be from now on

Against the World

The only time I ever miss home is when I go on Facebook and see all the QT I’m missing out on over there. Other than that.. Cali is winning by a landslide! LA is definitely crazy as hell, but Long Beach seems to balance it out. On my first weekend in the city of angles, I got cum thrown on me in my own car. Yes, I said.. I got cum thrown on me in my own car. Lets not even go there because his eyes still haunts me sometimes at night and the coke I splattered all over my interior is a working progress. Moving onto the second weekend in LA, when I witnessed a full on pound for pound street fight. As Derrick and I were walking Hollywood Blvd. enjoying our time and admiring all the lights, I hear this chick telling her boyfriend while they’re unlocking their bikes that the people wouldn’t hire her. When he asked, “Who wouldn’t hire you?” She yelled, “Those two mother fuckers in that bar right there wouldn’t give me a damn job!” As I’m laughing to myself because I can’t seem to understand why.. another guy walks by and does it out loud! So she chases after him. As he’s pretending to not hear her squawking, a white boy comes out of nowhere and posts up to 4 black dudes with both fists in the air. Derrick and I simultaneously say, “oh hell no” and turned around along with the goose lady, but the hood in me did another 180 when I heard one of the guys shout “No, let them.. he wants to throw down.” So for a good minute on the main street of Los Angeles, these two guys were exchanging full blows to the face and body. The white boy takes the black guy down to the ground and that’s when the black guy got him in a guillotine as soon as they touched dirt. Next thing you know one of the other black guy comes in and punches the white boy twice on the back of his head. I shout, “WHAT THE FUCK!! Don’t do that!” And if Derrick hadn’t grabbed my arm I would’ve gotten into some trouble for sure. The guy puts his palms in the air and said “its over!” so I say, “That is NOT COOL!” as I'm walking away because a) I’m red b) I don’t do well with the police. I don’t know why that got me so angry. I wasn’t even mad when that dirty ass man reached his hands into my window and violated me with his bodily fluids. But seeing those two hits triggered some repressed emotions or something because I had to stop, take a breath, and collect myself. Other than those two horrible experiences in LA, California is either a hit or miss. Everyone I’ve met so far is either a rapper or an actor or a writer or summin like dat. Which is cool with me.. but the cooler ones were this boy on a skateboard who gave me a donut (they never look twice.) And the man on the street who handed Tasha and I incense on Easter. He told me I looked like an oriental Pocahontas. But my ultimate favorite is John Morris. I had only been in Long Beach for a week but not working and the sun made my hours seem more like days.. until I walked into Legends looking for a job. When I walked out, an angel approached me. John had over heard my conversation with the hostess and happens to be the general manager at McKenna’s on the Bay. Pressing forward, I now have two jobs here in southern California. I just completed 2 days of training as a bud tender and tomorrow I start my first day of training cocktailing at Mckenna’s - with the sickest view evaaa.. I’m lovin it. My coworkers at the marijuana dispensary are all chill.. duhhh. And I’m getting more and more comfortable here. I contemplated for a second if taking that second job could hurt my image someday when I’m this big star all over everyone’s screen. But as my sister Ran reminded me, “you’re only going to make it big by being yourself.” So I’m going all out!!

Update

I'm getting the hang of this living out of my car thing. It only gets easier with time, and after awhile things just get less attention. Earlier today while Thyda and I were walking the beach and up around to 2nd avenue, I witnessed a group of homeless people sleeping in the grass under the trees. Right then and there I realized how truly blessed I really am. I went from my own bedroom with a queen size foam mattress in Vegas. To my own room with a futon in San Diego. To a couch in Thyda and Sam's living room. Here in Long Beach, California.. all in 20 days. And I must say that it works. Got an interview at Wokcano not even 24 hours in. Live 2 blocks away from the ocean. The sun is always shining. Night life is right around the corner. Los Angeles is only 30 miles away. It's clear.. this place is very easy to fall in love with. Thuy made a prediction that I'm going to find love in the LBC. I told her that's Ludaa... but is it? I had a permanent smile on my face all day today. Even when I was lost for 30 minutes trying to find my car.. circling every parking lot wondering how Earth I made it this far in life. Because I finally understand.. Life is fabulous when you follow your dreams.

Sideline < Game

I'm sitting by the pool wondering if I'll ever learn how to relax.. I'm very skittish as an ex would describe. Wheeling Thuy around all day while we shopped for household items and groceries taught me a valuable lesson in life.. It's time to stop doing so much, and focus! You'll never catch me just doing one thing. I'm never just reading, I'm also listening to music and watching a movie. I'm never just writing, I'm also eating a sandwich and scratching my ass. I'm never just cooking, I'm also holding a conversation. I'm never just sleeping.. I'm always dreaming. Even in high school, I did it all. I was in student council and managed all 40+ clubs.. charted all their fundraisers and held meetings every month. Was in Future Business Leaders of America, where I won two regional competitions. Volunteered 15 hrs a week with the Asian commuting. Mentoring adolescent teens, and held workshops to bring domestic violence and tobacco awareness. Were a cheerleader and captain of the dance team.. where I choreographed and taught all the dances. Ran the student store and did inventory. Volunteered my lunch to hang out with the special educations department. All the while running around the school taking pictures and doing yearbook layouts. I also helped my parents in the Tai-Li 20 hrs a week, held a boyfriend, and kept my social life alive with friends and parties. I even won homecoming royalty my senior year w/ my boyfriend :) I did everything that I ever wanted to do going in. Besides the fact that I spent the majority of my time in the principal’s office in trouble, I can truly say that I had the ultimate high school experience.. with one exception. Till this day it still haunts me.. The one thing that I never thought I'd even consider doing or thought I'd even be interested in, but left unchecked, unexplored and unfinished.. The high school musical. Thuy and I actually auditioned for it together our senior year. It was an impulsive move on our part because we had just heard about the audition earlier that day and decided it would be soO fun.. So we walked into the auditorium unprepared, and side by side sang on stage "The Star Spangled Banner" (got about 70% of the words right.) Thuy got a thank you for trying, we can still use you. And I was told that I actually have a good voice. I just need to learn how to project it and follow through.. Nevertheless, we both got parts. But with everything that I had going on, the commitment that it took to complete a full production was just too much for me.. so I reneged. Something I regretted down to my soul, the day I sat in my seat and watched the "show go on..." Today, right here, right now, I'm in Encinitas, California. The most beautiful and most comfortable place I've ever been to.. with everything I need to keep trucking and tree doors I can choose from.

Number 1. Go back to Vegas. Stay with Carley until I can get a cocktail serving job and then make a hundred G's a year. Maybe take some classes to keep sane, chill by the pool and party my life away..
Number 2. Stay here in San Diego. Get a great job as a leasing consultant with Thuy's company since they've been hassling her for references. Find a roommate and start a new life in a whale’s vagina. Go to the beach, visit the wineries, and maybe even start dating again..
Number 3. Keep moving towards LA... with only a hope and a dream.

I'm pretty sure it's obvious the one I'm shooting for.. So on Tuesday, I've set some things up and I'll be leaving to Long beach, California where I'd only be 30 miles away from where it all goes down. Once I get there, I have about a million and two things to do before I'll even go to a casting.. but I'm sure with all of my heart that entertainment is where my future lies. The only difference this time is that I’m Committed. Focused. And ready.

So until then.. I'm going to enjoy this weekend vacation.

Faith in LOVE.

A few nights before I left for Vegas, my friends threw a going away gathering for me at Masa. After getting me trashed and crying all over the club, we headed to my house for more crying. On the way home, there was a slug bug on the side of the highway that had been torched.. completely melted black. My friend Sam shouts, "It's an omen! Don't go." Of course we laughed it off, but later that night I had a dream of the same car with dark images flashing all around it. Just then, the Devil grabs me from behind pulling me back. And that's when I shouted, "No, I'm going!" When I woke up, I felt really confused. I already had all my stuff packed and ready to go.. What the hell did that all mean? I promised myself that if I'm going to still go, the one thing I have to do is pray.. Every night. Which I have been keeping my word on, even though I would say I'm not the best at it. But the night before I left for San Diego, I messaged my friend Derrick who's my spiritual mentor, about his opinion on everything that was going on. Before he said anything, he asked if I had accepted Christ yet. I always get a little uncomfortable whenever people bring up Jesus, because I've always considered myself to be agnostic. I thought about his question and remembered that I do. I always have, the only thing holding me back from say yes all these years was myself.
*Started this project junior year of high school. At first it was meant to be something practical-a purse, then a scrapbook cover, but now it's just a reminder. The cool thing about it.. is all the people who've contributed by eating Starbursts for me. From my nieces in Chicago, cousins in Ohio, every ex-boyfriend, roommates, homies, Tai-Li customers, my diet conscious sisters.. Thanks yall (1620 count)

Swinging Doors

can't sleep.. I’ve been doing a lot of work since I arrived here in San Diego at 7pm. It's been nonstop and now my mind. I'm in Sandyeggo because Thuy Chung Davidson, one of my best friend from middle school got hit by a car on her honeymoon. They were riding mopeds and she turned onto incoming traffic and injured her leg pretty severely. They arrive tomorrow, so I'm here to help them move into their new place and help her get around since she's handicap and all. When I was telling Carley and her fugly ass roommate about what had happened, they started laughing (loudly) - at the idea that it was a bad sign for what’s to come of their marriage. It confused me at the time, because I thought maybe it was a new sense of humor I wasn’t familiar with. But really, they must be experts on spiritual consciousness, especially since the current dude she calls babe, kicked a fat ass dent in her car last September. But then again with all the tumble weaves the other chick has floating around, she still thinks that mop is beweavable.. so I dunno! $200 for two weeks to realize that Vegas is not a place for children or big dogs was worth it. But with the 4 little ones they had barking begging and shitting all over the place, canceled out that lesson quick! When I saw Carley looking at another dog online, that’s when I knew I had to get the hell outta there.. train the ones you have first shit!! I'm not being mean; I heard them talking about me too. But it's all good in the hood. I don’t have any hard feelings. I still love her ; ) And her roommate smiled at me before I left. Pretty sure she’s my biggest fan right now. Anyways, I could have done the apartment thing with Brandon and Noor. But 13 months in that place, my blog title would scratch to Candy in Sin City in no time.. Just kidding! About everything. But to be honest there had been a lot of times when I realized that Las Vegas Nevada was not a place I should commit to.
1) I was convinced for a whole day that having someone else pay for my boob job would have been okay (considering how much money men blow on stupid shit there.) Until I realized.. why the hell I would want to think of some old nasty ass pervert every time I looked at my breast?
2) When I actually considered applying at Sapphire as a cocktail server. I saw the check Carley signed for her taxes.. A girl like me got shadowed before I imagined my daughter saying, "you worked there too mom!"
3) When I finally accepted that money comes and goes..
I love Vegas and still do. But reaching my goals in life, no matter how far or extreme some may think, is much more important than having things. Sure my mom would be a lot less stressed if I could throw some cash at her, but I know she would rather see me happy being around genuine love. Which I am because Harley Davidson is right next me. I gave him bath earlier so we can cuddle. Which I'm going to do because I'm exhausted. But I do have a plan.. no worries

..it will heal

A Point

Like the new layout?.. Of course ya do, my sister Ran did it. I'm horrible with technology and grammar and directions. And after today, my soon to be roommate Brandon is well aware of that as well. It's so funny watching people in my passenger seat when I'm the one in control of the vehicle. They're always on edge and quiet not to distract me.. but by the time we're finished, we can conclude that I can get around (as they're jumping out as soon as possible!) Today Brandon and I went looking for a 3 bedroom apartment, that's not too far from the strip and that's pet friendly. Since our third addition Noor is attached to a 130lb wolf/malamute/husky, it was not the easiest thing do. But in the end, we found one that’s perfect. What's even better is that I'm going to have a fat ass California closet and my own bathroom. So crossing my fingers it all works out. I was a little worried about telling Carley that I'm leaving in two weeks.. you know don't bite the hand that feeds you, but after easing it in 30 minutes ago, I remembered why I love her. Definitely a laid back understanding person. The problem is her weirdo roommate who never acknowledges me. But I get it, people are like their dogs, and her description of hers was, "she doesn't like people" To each his own. I'm a little scared moving in with Brandon and Noor. Not because I'm going from living with my two sisters to two dudes, but because the lease is 13 months! But maybe this is the one thing I need in my life to get over the idea that I have commitment issues. It's all BS really.. No one wants to be alone forever.. (as her roommate just called me "my roommate's visitor" when she's sitting right next to me) - guess that's fair

Where The Heart Is

It's Monday night and already I’ve turned down two invites for free bottle service. I'm very tempted to say fuck it.. get dressed and head out to The Cat House for prefunking and then Marquee for the main course. The great thing about being a female in Vegas is that we don't have to pay for anything! The bad part of being a female in Vegas is that we don't have to pay for anything! So it's very hard to keep your mind straight. But I suppose if I can stay focused here, I can do it anywhere. Last night I had a dream that I was at my best friend’s wedding. When we walked into the reception room with everything set up, we all grabbed each other, spun around, and jumped up and down screaming at how beautiful it all was. I woke up and remembered how much love I have back at home. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I wonder if moving here was the right decision. And now actually living the life here, I can see for myself that this place is not made for the weak. But maybe it’s a good thing to have my fears faced and hopefully destroyed. I'm just worried about it destroying my smile along with it. But so far since I have been here, I've already learned so much and asked those questions I never would have if I had never left home. The one thing I have to remember is that home will always be there and I've only been here for a week! I guess the water always seems a lot colder if you only dip your toes in and I'm a swimmer. I’m made for something BIG! I'm not sure what that is just yet.. but I'm confident that I'll never give up on it.

Just a little homesick but I know the perfect remedy.. A good book! :D

Ja Ja Ja Jaded

Last night was probably the most eventful night I've had so far in Sin City. My friend Nate from Seattle was in town for the night and since we've only communicated via Facebook and via calls and text, I thought it was necessary that we hang. I met him and his two friends at Blue Ribbon at The Cosmopolitan (by far the sexiest hotel I've been to) for sushi and sake. At first I was a little taken back by the guys. I wasn’t sure if they were down for a good time because we spent approx. 2 hours eating raw fish and discussing pop culture. Not my thing.. Sushi-yes, pop culture-I can care less. But by the time we finished our second bottle of sake, they loosened up a bit and accepted my offer to finish the Bacardi Lem Own I had in my purse. Yes, I'm very classy! As we we're leaving their sick ass two-bedroom suite, Edwin the professional poker player runs into his neighbor who happens to be a 6 ft. blonde carrying a drink and at the same time holding onto her boyfriend for support. Already slurring her words, she manages to get out "Edwin, you should buy us a shot.. right over there!" So as we're sitting at this very upscale lounge with elevator music playing in the back ground, I spin my chair around and spot two gentlemen sitting at a table along with a Lady. The two guys seemed very familiar to me so as we're walking by, I glance one more time and realized hey I played pool with this dude before. I went over and ask "is your name Yuri?" which of course it was because I never forget a face. Yuri happens to be a friend of my sisters and Jane who is practically my sister, and not too long ago I beat in a game of sticks. As were trying to get over the coincidence, everyone else gets comfortable and we all end up relocating to the Chandelier for a drink. The Chandelier is basically a three story.. Chandelier! Crazy Cool. As were sitting there, I get a text from the boys from Tampa saying they’re at Sapphire, the strip club my roommate Carley cocktails at. I’ve never been a big fan of strip clubs, mainly because I prefer to think of men as knights in shining armor, not drooling dogs ready to throw cash away to get the one thing in life that should be free. I realized at that moment, I can be extremely judgmental and close minded! So I decided that maybe it’s time I open my eyes and see things for what they are and not the stories I create to make myself seem better. Also because the girl the guys were with happened to be a stripper as well, and what better way to eat pizza than in Italy right? Yuri and his coworker end their night and the stripper come with us in the limo. So for my third strip club experience, I would say has totally shifted. Because it wasn’t the guys that turned me off this time, it was the girls that impressed me. Not the strippers, because most of them sucked! And couldn’t do shit on the pole. It was how comfortable the other ladies were watching other women be so comfortable with their bodies.. And that’s when I got more comfortable.. with my sexuality. I even went to the stage, put a dollar bill in my A's and had one take it out with her mouth. She tongued my boobie and all!! It was definitely an eye opening experience because it was fun!.. but at the same time, inappropriate. Then I thought, what’s so inappropriate about it? I read Memoir of a Geisha. I saw the movie! A women’s art is her own and however she wants to sell it is her business. Then just as I was beginning to accept this new found acceptance, I look over and the stripper we came with grabs the cash on the table.. Look ho, you’re off. Strike one! Then I went to use the bathroom and I spot the Bay Bachelor sitting in the cut off section alone with a geisha.. Strike two! And then when I agreed to take the stripper home because I’m just that nice and because it was suppose to be 5 minutes out, Kim/Cat took me 45 minutes away from my house and had me spinning around Las Vegas because she doesn’t know her lefts from rights.. but we all make mistakes. Strike three was when the kleptHO stole my lighter
NOT COOL!

Butt soO worth it

It’s been exactly I week since I’ve been here in Las Vegas and I already feel at home. So far on this endeavor.. I was able to drive around w/out getting lost, something we all know I'm very prone to. Made a new friend named Rebekah from Austin Texas. Who I at first thought was a prostitute but to find out, she's more of a pimp.. like myself. Gone on a date. I usually don’t count after the club food as a legit date. But he says since he paid, we'll check it off. Got an interview lined up at one of the top clubs. Got my hepatitis A shot, and last but not least.. this bad ass new bruise!

*Rebekah and I met up at Republic for open bar. While sitting at a booth sipping on our vodka tonics, 5 dudes come over and asked if we would like to join them at Pure for dancing and bottle service. So we went along for the ride and surprisingly, they ended up being a nice group of guys from Tampa Bay. Packed with house music, about an hour in they decided to relocate to another place. Rebekah chooses to end her night early, and since my car was parked literally 100 feet away from where they were going, I felt safe enough to go alone. As I entered Jet, I felt a rush of Tacoma memories flashing back from the sight of black people and hip hop. So of course my happy ass jumped straight on stage and rocked the joint! As I was being helped down by one of the Bays, I slipped and landed right on the edge of the metal stage. About a dozen people rushed over to check if I was alive.. because it hurt!!

Why did I move?

..The question I have been getting a lot lately. Mostly from nosey haters, because the majority of my friends and family are well aware.. it has been a long time coming. I suppose the ones who mind, deserve a piece of mine, so the best answer to that question would be.. WHY NOT! Just about all of my best friends that I grew up with is at that point in their lives where they've chosen to slow down and start a family. I suppose mid 20s is when we begin searching for our counterparts to build upon. But being in four weddings and the last one, my maid of honor duty.. It's hit me that I had been living my life through other people. To be present while they pick out their dresses and discus plans for children is certainly something that I enjoy and somewhat envy, but at the same time.. avoid. Because the real question is, am I ready for all of that? Would I be able to walk towards him and not look back? Would I be able to give up my freedom to change diapers and not resent anyone or regret anything? Would I be able to have a mature adult dispute and not let my ego get in the way? Can I fully express myself in all ways? Do I truly love myself; mind, body, and soul? I’m not sure! I’ve never asked those questions before. The only thing that I am sure of as of right now, is that in Tacoma, Washington.. I was way too comfortable. Life is about overcoming challenges in order to learn and make those decisions that will take you to all of the places you’ve always dreamed of. And in my dreams, I stand in front of my friends and family not questioning if the man standing next to me is the one, but the only question is.. "what’s next?" So why did I move?.. Because I refuse to let myself get bored. And why Vegas?..

Why not!
everything I do is for love.

My Second Chance

I'm leaving to Las Vegas this weekend! Driving down with my sisters and while they have a one way ticket back home to Washington, I will be making a new life for myself in the middle of the desert. With no job, no set plan, and no map written out for me. I'm finally doing it.. I'm taking a leap of faith, jumping, moving, taking chances and following nothing but my own senses. I can truly say that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing but at the same time I am uncontrollably excited. As I sit here waiting for the laundry to dry and finishing up last minute errands, I can't help but reflect back on who I was and recognize now who I am today. I wouldn't say that I'm a different person because I have always loved, but what I would say is that I am a lot more aware. Something inside of me has waken! Leaving for College at 18, I thought I knew it all. I had my schedules, my luggage, my boyfriend, and my expectations. I left home without my family's support, without the right intentions, without knowing what was important and who I wanted to be. I never knew I was running away. Having failed ALL of that.. I've picked myself up, brushed my shoulders off and now I’m ready to try again. This time around, I know what I want and what I'm looking for.. and that's to simply grow. To learn and never give up. To forgive and make mistakes and not judge. To trust not only the intentions of others, but trust that in the end of the day, I will be okay. I want to be vulnerable and cry when I want to, laugh when I feel like it and sing to the birds. Have faith that God is all. Slow down and realize that rushing is a waste of time. I want to be able to take care of myself and eventually my parents. Then one day be satisfied with the impact I've made in this world. And last but not least, I want to accept myself as enough. I'm excited to fly through this door and flap my wings. Maybe even crash a few times, or maybe even look back and say I didn't know shit at 23.. but what I'm looking forward to most is just looking.. in all directions. So as I encounter this new and exciting journey, it's only fair that I bring you all along with me. Please stay tuned because this is only the beginning. I’ve got a long drive, job interviews, new friends to make, more tears to shed, and more boys to murder...
"oh the places we'll go.."